consideringlilies on Xanga

i lift my eyes up to the hills	where does my help come from?

consideringlilies
read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Betsey Gender: Female Interests: life interests me. Expertise: hugs. and giggling. i can giggle. Occupation: Student Message: message me AIM: heavnstobetsey Member Since: 3/17/2006

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Friday, September 12, 2008

	here's a new blog. I don't know how many of you still check in on this blog (it's been awhile since I've written...) but I started a new one: http://elisabethteater.blogspot.com/. Thanks for reading =)
	1:54 PM - 17 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Currently Listening
Across The Universe [Deluxe Edition]
By Original Soundtrack
Let it Be
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when i find myself in times of trouble mother mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom "let it be"
and in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom "let it be"
let it be, let be, let it be, let it be
whisper words of wisdom, "let it be"
and when the broken hearted people living in this world of grief
there will be an answer, let it be
though they may be pardoned there is still a chance that they will see
there will be an answer, let it be
let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
there will be an answer, let it be
let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
whisper words of wisdom, let it be
and when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me
shine on 'til tomorrow, let it be
wake up to the sound of music mother mary brought to be
speaking words of wisdom, let it be
let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
there will be an answer, let it be
let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
whisper words of wisdom, let it be

sometimes i need to remember this...

1:02 PM - 66 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Currently Listening
Peace Like a River: The Hymns Project
Rock of Ages
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a hard heart.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me let me hide myself in Thee
let the water and the blood from Thy wounded side which flowed
be of sin the double cure, save from wrath and make me pure

not the labor of my hands can fulfill thy laws demands
could my zeal no respite know, could my tears forever flow
these for sin could not atone, Thou must save and Thou alone

nothing in my hand i bring, simply to the cross i cling
naked come to Thee for dress, helpless look to Thee for grace
foul, i to the fountain fly, wash me Savior or i die

while i draw this fleeting breath, when my eyes shall close in death
when i rise to worlds unknown and behold Thee on Thy throne
Rock of Age, cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee

for some reason these words are appealing to me today. normally they would not be appealing in the least bit...really, depending on Him for everything. but there's a certain comfort and certainty in the words. these things are true, who i am is stated above: foul, naked, helpless and temporary. and yet there is a Rock for me to hide in, one to save me, one to make me pure...

i love hymns. each word dripping with theology, each verse revealing a truth about our Savior...

my heart has been so hard lately. whether it is refusing to deal with and see sin in my life, or if it is continuing to engage in cynicism and judgment of others. my heart is not the way that it was created to be. i spend some time looking into scripture, looking for an answer. i wanted to blame God, but found quickly that i don't think it's God's fault. however, i know that if i can recognize it, God will help me change it. what a scary thing...maybe i do not want to recognize it.

i found both great comfort and great confusion in the following passage:

He said "Go and tell this people:
'Be ever hearing, but never understanding; be ever seeing but never perceiving.
Make the heart of this people calloused; make their ears dull and close their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts, and turn and be healed.'"

i don't understand so many things about this passage. why are they going to not be able to understand what isaiah is telling them. why is he even going. why wouldn't God want His people to be healed. and why is heart singular?

all of those are investigations for another xanga post. the comfort part? if you understand you will be healed. i understand now that my heart is hard...do i want to be healed?

kristen says that God lets you know your heart is hard right before he does something big. i found that funny because sometimes God makes your heart hard so that you will be destroyed (see Pharoh, King Belshazzar...) but maybe it's okay to be destroyed. maybe that takes away your clothes so you can receive clothes, or helpless so you can receive grace. maybe what is destroyed is something that should not have been there in the first place.

oh the thoughts that run through my mind.

12:31 PM - 73 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Friday, October 05, 2007

forgive...

i really don't have a hard time with the phrase "forgive and forget". you see, i can forget the things that i forgive. in fact, i do it quite easily. the problem is this...far to often i cannot forgive.

recently i find myself wincing slightly whenever i recite the Lord's prayer. "forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us". honestly? i don't want God to forgive me the same way that i forgive otherss. this means that i can confess my sins to him one day and maybe a couple months later He'll forgive them. in the mean time, it is a time of pouting and lack of trust between the two of us. maybe a little bit of gossip between God and the angels..."did you see what betsey did? ugh, that made me so mad...and it hurt me a lot...i just can't trust her any more..." not necessarily sharing new information or embellishing the story, rather just fueling the anger a little bit more. eventually it becomes harder to forgive and forget. sometimes He may even forget that i apologized...

i'm stuck in this place. how do i forgive? and even more, how do i forgive someone who hurt me and who has yet to apologize? if said person doesn't even think that s/he did anything wrong? what does it really mean to turn the other cheek?

so then part of me was thinking about this whole thing. and i was talking to my dear roommate about how i didn't really know what to do, and she said i need to forgive them because it's hurting me not to...but...but...i don't even know what it looks like to forgive someone who doesn't think that they need to be forgiven. and on top of that, part of me doesn't even want them to have the satisfaction of being forgiven! thinking they did nothing wrong when they hurt me and my family and a lot of other people so deeply.

and what does it even mean to turn the other cheek? does it mean i make an effort to continue contact with them? i wouldn't deny them help (if they asked) but does it mean i reach out and offer it? why do they get to hurt me and benefit from my friendship all at the same time? don't they have to learn that what they did was wrong? can't i please teach it to them by offering my disdain and glares instead of friendship and smiles?

and then i think about Jesus. how He preached love and forgiveness of sins. how He stood up and said to turn the other cheek with the full knowledge of the pain and heartache He was going to have to suffer from the very people He came to love and to save. how did He do it? and then i was thinking about some of His last words..."Father, forgive them, they know not what they do..."

is it sacrilegious of me to think that maybe the humanness in Jesus would not allow Him to forgive those people, but rather to cry out to His Father for help in forgiving them? maybe just like it's not my job to teach them a lesson through denying them friendship, it is also not my job to forgive them, but rather God's job to help me forgive them?

what does it mean to forgive someone, though? does it mean we offer ourselves back up to the hurt and the pain..."you hurt me once, here is all of my trust, please do it again". this is what "turning the other cheek" would suggest...

at the end of this i'm left with simply questions...wondering how to act, how to be and what to do...

and all the time begging Jesus to forgive me...just not as i forgive others...

ps...i set up a blog...i just can't decide if i want to use it...(http://slapdashsketches.blogspot.com/)

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Monday, July 30, 2007

God gave us memories so that we can have roses in December.

--J.M. Berrie

10:29 AM - 35 views - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Next 5 >>

here's a new blog.

a hard heart.

forgive...